Students from a variety of college campuses were met by a swarm of reporters this week as they emptied out their dorms and prepared to go back home indefinitely due to the spread of COVID-19. Amongst the various topics discussed were the cancellation of the men’s NCAA basketball tournament, March Madness, and the loss of the chance to root against Duke University each round.
“Oh don’t even bring it up,” said Jim Rogers, a University of North Carolina student. “I look forward to it every year and while it’s nice to know they won’t win, I’m pissed I don’t get to see them lose.”
Despite being a consistent top-10 regular season team, Duke has not won a championship since 2015. Much to the delight of the program’s detractors, this combination of regular-season success and recent post-season failure is what makes them one of the most fun teams to hate on, a survey of college campuses revealed. The dorkiness of their student population is another, the survey said.
“I mean, if I’m being honest, I’d rather see the entire program go down in some sort of Mike Krzyzewski, Jerry Sandusky rape case kind of thing,” said a Wake Forest senior, who asked to remain anonymous. “But at the same time, it’s nice when they are considered ‘good’ because then you know it hurts them even more when they lose.”
Other topics discussed during the briefings were the cancellation of the commencement ceremonies and whether or not vape pens have made it ten-times easier to smoke pot in your dorm room without getting in trouble.